Awkward genealogy conversations: the 5 levels of pushback

Photo by Jonny Caspari on Unsplash

When we enter the world of trauma-informed genealogy, we enter a space where we will likely discover information that’s difficult for ourselves and others. Our families’ secrets were secret for a reason: they’re emotionally uncomfortable.

As we begin to work with this information—whether as a therapist, genealogist, or simply doing our own excavation—divulging these secrets can bring pushback.

Fight-or-flight

Pushback happens when we share something that someone isn’t ready for. No matter how we try to prepare the ground (“I have something important to share with you.”), if they’re not ready, they will react.

What ‘not ready’ means at a psychological level is that the information is experienced as a threat. Perceived threats to our safety trigger fight-or-flight reactions. All pushback is a form of fight-or-flight response.

Although this article is oriented around awkward genealogy conversations, the same mechanics apply to any emotionally freighted situation.

Pushback can be broken down into five types or levels of response. The five levels chart a spectrum from full fight at one end to full flight at the other.

1. Aggressive (fight)

This is a front-foot response where people bite—generally with a short, sharp vocal outburst. Whatever has been communicated is causing significant distress to the listener. In extreme situations the response could be physical—so be prepared.

This is often a conversation-ending reaction and can be a relationship-ending one. Re-engaging after such a reaction takes significant emotional intelligence.

Yet sometimes the person who snaps at you will discharge their anxiety. Their emotional Geiger counter returns to normal very quickly and it’s as if the incident never happened.

2. Passive-aggressive

This is also a front-foot response, but it lacks the overt aggressiveness of Level 1. It can manifest in long, rambling monologues designed to smother space and time, preventing you from speaking again. In internet terms, this is a denial-of-service attack.

You can tell these monologues because they have no beginning and no end. You will also not be asked whether you want to listen to this rambling nonsense. It will often contain half-baked rationalisations for not engaging with whatever the issue is.

The person doing this is generally unaware they are doing it. They may suddenly have a pressing need to be elsewhere and jump to Level 5. At future meetings they will have no recollection of the conversation or their own monopolisation of it.

From a therapeutic perspective, the contents of these conversations often contain insightful nuggets as the triggered person is unconsciously leaking deep truths.

3. Neutrality

At this level, the other person does not respond. Their inner defences have successfully screened out the threatening content. It hasn’t landed emotionally.

This is ‘in one ear and out the other’ territory. The person literally doesn’t hear anything. If you ask them to repeat what you just said, they will struggle. Instead, you’re met by a blank gaze, silence, perhaps a sudden change of topic (by them) to something more comfortable.

Remember, no action is always an action. That the information hasn’t landed speaks loudly to the other person’s inability to engage.

4. Paralysis

At this level, the outward response is similar to Level 3—no action—but the listener’s interior experience is different. Something has landed sub-consciously, but it has not registered consciously. Think of it as being taken aback and needing time to process.

In a face-to-face situation, the other person will squirm uneasily and may shift to another response, such as withdrawal. If you’re communicating electronically, you may get no response to something that seems to call for one. Radio silence.

The difference between Levels 3 and 4 is that at Level 3, neutrality, nothing landed. At Level 4, something landed emotionally but it’s subtle enough that it doesn’t provoke an outward reaction.

Whatever landed may sometimes become conscious, or it may get screened out. This may cause a response later—which could be engagement or disengagement. The later response may seem to come from nowhere but is actually a delayed reaction.

5. Withdrawal (flight)

This is a strong back-foot response: “I’m getting out of here.”

Whatever has been disclosed is threatening enough to cause a sense of interior collapse in the listener. In that state of emotional collapse, withdrawal is the only option. This may be ‘withdrawing into our shell’ or more overt. They may physically leave or send a message they want no further communication. They may stick out the current meeting (paralysis), but you don’t hear from them again.

In electronic communications, you may get blocked.

Handling pushback

In all cases, backpedal and let the other person stabilise as best they can. Trying to get ‘your truth’ across to someone who is unreceptive—no matter how much you feel they would benefit from receiving it—is futile. If they’re not ready, they’re not ready.

Steer the conversation onto softer ground, note the reaction and what caused it. You can reflect on it later. For now, focus on soothing your ruffled listener.

Learning to navigate pushback is definitely a skill acquired through experience—and, more than likely, painful experience. Pushback teaches us to meet people at their own level and accept it. When it involves loved ones struggling with family patterns—yet refusing to acknowledge them—it’s very difficult. Yet it is what it is.

Ultimately, our journey into our family’s truth is ours and ours alone. We don’t need authority from others to make it—but neither can we expect them to embrace it.