As a coach specialising in inherited trauma, shame, and impostor syndrome, I talk a lot about trauma and releasing trauma. Yet releasing trauma is not an end of itself. The aim of all inner work is reconnection with our true selves—self-connection.
What is self-connection?
Self-connection is, quite simply, a state of grace where we experience profound inner strength, structure, and guidance that’s free of projection or woundedness.
The idea of self-connection is so strange—even outrageous—that Wikipedia doesn’t contain a single mention of it. Yet it’s the deeper aim of all healing, all self-reclamation, all inner/shadow work.
Many public figures, outwardly at least, exhibit signs of self-connection. They broadcast apparently unshakeable strength, structure, and guidance. Yet when these qualities are accompanied by uncontained, uncontrolled, uncontrollable emotions, what we’re seeing is not self-connection but its opposite, disconnection.
The inability to control our emotions is a big pointer to the bridge from disconnection to self-connection: self-responsibility.
Self-connection happens when we take responsibility for recognising and releasing the distortions we project onto the world at large.
Responsibility
“Oh yeah,” we think, “I know what responsibility is.” Yet in truth we don’t. We think of responsibility in terms of external commitments: to our work, our spouse, our family, the clubs and causes we align with.
Few think in terms of emotional responsibility—another concept that Wikipedia is blissfully unaware of yet lies at the heart of the human disaster zone.
Dr Margaret Paul distinguishes between emotional dependency—where we look to others for validation—and emotional responsibility. She defines it as follows:
“Primarily, it means recognizing that your feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, aloneness, jealousy, irritation and so on come from your own thoughts, beliefs and behaviour, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create many of your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.”
Now you can see why I go on about recognising and releasing trauma. It’s the only process that genuinely migrates you to emotional responsibility and self-connection.
Inside-out values
The link between lack of responsibility and lack of self-connection illuminates another little-known aspect of the human psyche. We’ve externalised responsibility because we have externalised our values.
I use the word in the sense of core beliefs about critical aspects of life. Values embedded in us at unconscious levels. Beliefs ingrained so deeply we have no control over them, beliefs we won’t just argue over, but are willing to fight and die for.
We look outside ourselves to obtain what we value: love, money, status, sex, validation, and so on. To obtain these resources we mould ourselves into who we believe others want us to be to unlock the flow of resources. This is the dependency Dr Margaret Paul mentions.
When we don’t get what we value, we ‘throw our toys out of the pram’ with outbursts of infantilism and emotional irresponsibility. We lose alignment and connection with who we are and what we believe…
- Healthy nurturing looks like.
- Our relationship with nature looks like.
- Our relationship with God/the cosmos looks like.
- Appropriate use of resources looks like.
- Our relationship with our physical body looks like.
- Appropriate sexuality looks like.
Self-connection is congruence with these inner values. These are not flighty mental beliefs. It’s embodied congruence; so deeply embedded it’s an unalienable part of you, a series of lines you cannot cross to demean or prostitute yourself—I use the term in the wider sense of selling out—in any way.
When you stand in self-connection, you will know. So will others, who will back down or back off in the face of your inner strength, composure, and coherence.
The journey to self-connection is towards coherence. It starts with recognising where we are misaligned with our inner values. Any time you encounter anxiety, pain, rejection or any other negative response in the outer world, you’re encountering discontinuity and incoherence in your personal value system.
So, let’s talk about recognising and releasing trauma…
Next steps
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Okay to use any of my comments without attribution. No restrictions.
As a coach specializing in inherited trauma, shame, and impostor syndrome, I talk a lot about trauma and releasing trauma. Yet releasing trauma is not an end of itself. The aim of all inner work is reconnection with our true selves—self-connection.
ABOVE IS A GREAT INTRO
What is self-connection?
Self-connection is, quite simply, a state of grace where we experience profound inner strength, structure, and guidance free of projection or woundedness.
MICHAEL, in the age of IFS, healthy self-connection now has TWO DIMENSIONS.
One is connecting with our less-conscious, non-dominant nervous system self (body, inner child, younger you of your past). This connection is often made in a theta state because Theta is where the inner child lives. Inner child work is left brain learning to acknowledge, accept, tolerate and redeem unresolved, disturbed right brain and gut brain capacity.
SECOND healthy self-connection in IFS terms is healthy Self-leadership: making as many deliberate fair and healthy choices day in and day out. This is done in Beta, in full wakefulness, employing both left and right brain. After much unburdening, a healthy Self becomes a dance between left-brain and right brain, gut-brain and head brain. Very few people have this balance. IFS and similar methods are the modern ways to increase this balance and flexibility.
END OF BD COMMENT
The idea of self-connection is so strange—even outrageous—Wikipedia doesn’t contain a single mention of it. Yet it’s the deeper aim of all healing, all self-reclamation, all inner/shadow work.
bd: YUP. Wikipedia is stuck in the mono-mind myth, deluding itself only left brain scientism is real, everything subjective can be ignored. Arrogance.
Many public figures, outwardly at least, exhibit signs of self-connection.
BD: HMMM, MORE PRECISE AND ACCURATE: Public figures like Ronald Reagan and GW Bush only role-play the outer behaviors and signs of healthy Self-leadership. Neither had any healthy s-c of the first inner child variety.
They [Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries, et al] broadcast apparently unshakeable strength, structure, and guidance [behaviours of healthy Self-leadership].
Yet when these qualities are accompanied by uncontained, uncontrolled, uncontrollable emotions, what we’re seeing is not self-connection but its opposite–disconnection.
BETTER: Yet when these qualities are accompanied by uncontained, uncontrolled, uncontrollable emotions, WE SHOULD NOT BE FOOLED INTO THINKING THIS IS AUTHENTIC OR HEALTHY SELF-CONNECTION.
The inability to control our emotions is a big pointer to the bridge from disconnection to self-connection: self-responsibility.
MAYBE: Lack of adequate and sufficient impulse and anger control is a red flag. It signals unresolved internal parts taking over, pushing the healthy Self out of the driver’s seat, taking over, driving the bus towards greater disturbance. [see the Minions cartoons for endless examples of this]
CONC: Therefore it is useful to make distinctions between healthy self-connection and inauthentic, pretend self-connecition. [Many psychopaths are skilled at parroting the behaviors of healthy self-leadership]
Self-connection happens when we take responsibility for recognizing and releasing the distortions we project onto the world at large.
MAYBE: Self-connection is the subjective feeling of internal wholeness, absence of inner turmoil; and in TA terms, inner OKness, happiness/contentment.
…releasing the distortions we project onto the world at large.
YES, acknowledging PROJECTIONS REMAIN ONE OF THE BIG DOORWAYS INTO greater healthy self-awareness.
Responsibility
“Oh yeah,” we think, “I know what responsibility is.” Yet in truth we don’t. We think of responsibility in terms of external commitments: to our work, our spouse, our family, the clubs and causes we align with.
BETTER MORE PRECISE: “Oh yeah,” we think, “I know what responsibility is. IT’S THE HABITS AND BEHAVIORS expected of me by my work, my spouse, my family, the clubs and causes I align with.
end bd comment
Few think in terms of emotional responsibility—another concept Wikipedia is blissfully unaware of yet lies at the heart of the human disaster zone.
BETTER: Few think in terms of INTERNAL responsibility TO OUR UNRESOLVED INNER TURMOIL—another concept Wikipedia is blissfully unaware of; yet, which lies at the heart of the human disaster zone.
Dr Margaret Paul [ANOTEHR HIGH POINT OF HOLISTIC PSYCHOLOGY WE BOTH ADMIRE!] distinguishes between emotional dependency—CODEPENDENCE–where we look to others for validation—and THE responsibility OF OUR HEALTHY SELF TO CONTINUALLY SET HEALTHY PErSONAL AND INTERPERSONAL BOUNDARIES ON OUR CHOICES, HABITS AND BEHAVIORS.
She defines it as follows:
“Primarily, RESPONSIBILITY means recognizing your feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, aloneness, jealousy, irritation and so on, come from your own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances.
Once you understand and accept HOW you create many of your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility AND STRENGTHEN WHERE YOUR PERSONAL AND INTERPERSOANL BOUNDARIES ARE WEAK.”
Now you can see why I go on about recognizing and releasing trauma. It’s the only process WHICH genuinely migrates you to emotional responsibility and self-connection.
YES, ANY EFFECTIVE METHOD OF UNBURDENING WILL DO THIS. SELF-FORGIVENESS IS The gold STANDARD.
Inside-out values
The link between lack of responsibility and lack of self-connection illuminates another little-known aspect of the human psyche. We’ve externalized responsibility because we have externalized our values.
THIS STARTS A NEW TOPIC WORTHY OF ITS OWN ARTICLE.
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This article has a natural break here. Above is one topic Below is a new somewhat separate topic or chapter.
I use the word in the sense of core beliefs about critical aspects of life. Values embedded in us at unconscious levels. Beliefs ingrained so deeply we have no control over them, beliefs we won’t just argue over, but are willing to fight and die for.
YUP
We look outside ourselves to obtain what we value: love, money, status, sex, validation, and so on. To obtain these resources we mould ourselves into who we believe others want us to be to unlock the flow of resources. This is the dependency Dr Margaret Paul mentions.
THIS BEGINS TO TOUCH ON TIM GALLWAY’S RHETORIC OF THE TWO GAMES OF LIFE. We have to play both games, inner and outer, not just one game.
When we don’t get what we value, we ‘throw our toys out of the pram’ with outbursts of infantilism and emotional irresponsibility. We lose alignment and connection with who we are and what we believe…
Healthy nurturing looks like.
Our relationship with nature looks like.
Our relationship with God/the cosmos looks like.
Appropriate use of resources looks like.
Our relationship with our physical body looks like.
Appropriate sexuality looks like.
Self-connection is congruence with these inner values. These are not flighty mental beliefs. It’s embodied congruence; so deeply embedded it’s an unalienable part of you, a series of lines you cannot cross to demean or prostitute yourself—I use the term in the wider sense of selling out—in any way.
IN the 1980S, Bertrand Babinet used the four relationships categories listed in Genesis 1:1 to encompass all our relationships:
Self – health, inner child, emotions.
Others – family you know, your tribe, customers you know,
World – strangers, other tribes, strange immigrants
God. – Any and all authority figures, how you relate to them.
I wrote a booklet on this. Currently revising it.
When you stand in self-connection, A METAPHOR: SIT ON your THRONE OF MAKING HEALTHY CHOICES ONE BY ONE, you will know. So will others; they will back down or back off in the face of your inner strength, composure, and coherence.
The journey to self-connection is towards coherence.
SIMPLER concep: UNBURDENING OUR INNER GAME OF LIFE FROM ITS TURMOIL AND UNRESOLVED DISTURBANCES AUTOMATICALLY allows, promotes and creates psychic coherence.
SELF-HEALING starts with recognizing where we are misaligned with our inner values. Any time you encounter anxiety, pain, rejection or any other negative response in the outer world, you’re encountering discontinuity and incoherence in your personal value system.
Thanks Bruce!